wanted to warn everyone to start saving now. for what? you're tempted to ask. well. for your gift to me, ofcourse. but ofcourse, you say. and then i say, do you know what it is that i wanted? and then you say, yes, it's obviously a subscription to the economist and nothing less. why i don't just quit being so miserly and get the subscription so i can view the premium content is something i refuse to figure out. it just used to be simpler going into a bookstore and getting the magazine. reading it guilt free and placing it right back shamelessly. but nooo. now i don't have time for such things and the staff at the bookstores i get a chance to visit now and then frown upon such things

alhumdulillah i made it safe and sound back here. it's cool being back with the family. like right now ism won't even let me close to the comp. he's taken over the comp chair and is dancing on top of it. yes. you read right. it's savage night. woo ha. we're chillin' to rappers delight. someone's bound to get hurt. ok so the trip was pretty easy. ba is def better than ua. i slept from isb to lon and from lon to chi. so basically the whole way. so i was a little fidgety on the flight from chi to atl. just a little. it was easier than expected. no real action this time because i slept most of the way. ok all the way. anyway here's a little glimpse into my trip:
u.s. customs officer: nice suitcase
me: thank you
u.s. customs officer: it says you have food to declare
me: yeah. gingerbread cookies
u.s. customs officer: *grin*
me: what?
u.s. customs officer: nothing
me: it's food
u.s. customs officer: heh
me: *blank*
u.s. customs officer: enjoy your stay and have a safe trip
ok now i have to finish up dancing to bombs over baghdad.

i will miss my grandparents dearly. i will miss eid here. i will miss so much because i'm miss this thing. what's that thing again? that's right miss confused as to where i want to be

nano activity is at an all time high. she keeps trying to find reasons to see what's going on while i'm packing and cleaning. less packing than cleaning. she came in earlier to give me some t.a. that's travelling allowance. then she comes in pressuring me to take a nap. later she comes in to tell me that i'm not sending anything for your mother because she will already get the best thing in the house. i ofcourse was floating. maybe it was because i was super nervous right before travelling.

sisters, blood or otherwise, are great. my adopted while my stay in pakistan sister, smalls, and i have such a good time all by ourselves. it's something i miss most about leaving my family for here. hbiddy and i have had some excellent memories. i totally miss her every day. like right now when i want to party after my exam. who do i go to now? same with my sis in law. she's amazing. i mean who wouldn't be to put up with my broheme. awesome women i tell you what. oh and i will be going to the u.s. for a little while. i think i'm leaving by this saturday. if the travel agent doesn't give us grief yet again

ok my grandparents are forcing me to take a nap. how old am i again? i guess it's better for my health and junk. so i can't take a nap and there's all this post exam pre vacation glee and plans pending. how do i get out? caged by what is for my own good. i am trapped. curses

AHHH!!! FIRST PART OF THE FIRST PROFESSIONAL EXAM IS OVER!!! OFFICIALLY ON VACATION STARTING NOW UNTIL NOVEMBER 22ND!!! SHOULD I GO TO THE U.S. FOR A QUICKIE VISIT OR JUST CHILL WITH THE FAM IN PAKISTAN??? OK EVERYTHING STARTS AFTER A NAP. HOW WILL I TAKE ONE WITH THIS MUCH EXCITEMENT???

i'm afraid of closed spaces. earlier i was studying for my histology exam that's supposed to be in about 3 hours and practicing drawing some of the slides we might see. now we require two types of pencils to represent the stains seen in the microscope. they are known as hematoxylin and eosin. my point lost in here somewhere. ah yes. here it is. ok i need both of them for the exam today. one fell on the side of my bed. the side that's right next to the book shelves. the side where i would have to crawl under the bed to get to it. and so i braved it. it's dumb though. i held my breath while doing it. no wonder i feel like i'm suffocating in closed spaces

stop sending me forwards. just stop it. do you realize i am living in pakistan now? do you know that i have the slowest connection there is? do you understand what i mean when i say this has crossed over into inconsiderate? hmmm. that's what i wanted to write to a someone who's been forwarding me stupid stuff that i know he knows i don't have time to read. i'm tired of feel good forwards. i'm tired of not being a good enough muslim just because i didn't forward an email. i'm tired of getting a long list of email addresses only to end with a i was thinking about you today. so stop. please. for all that is good and pure in this world stop sending forwards

crazy hair is just not funny anymore

back in bloomington i used to have this friend. let's call her a. and her brother. let's call him b. both of them were really close to me. their father was my arabic teacher. we would talk about arabic grammar and for a little while speak all the arabic i knew in a matter of minutes. you know the routine. asalaamalaikum walaikum salaam kaif halik ana be kher wa anta alhumdulillah ahlan wa sahlan etc etc etc. her two younger sisters were sweethearts. i got along with them really well. sometimes i would bring them little things that i secretly wanted but thought it inappropriate at my age but would be able to enjoy it with them. we baked brownies at my apartment in attempts to have a brownie party. take 2 wasn't too bad but we had some good times. unlimited giggling. her baby brother was adorable and i could never get enough of him. i would joke around with him and say la and push him away every time he came up to me. or when everyone was getting a round of hugs and i would protest mine and say la to him so many times he grew up thinking my name was la and would run up to me just to push me away and say la when he was older. even when i called he would want to speak to la. squealing with laughter when he saw me at the door. they were a wonderful family. i would go over for dinner to their house on a weekly basis. being a poor college kid. poor by choice. deprived of family, not food or clothing. i had not much to offer them except that maybe i invited them over for dinner once as a family. and what a feast i cooked. they still talk about it. and then they relate to me the stomach pains that they had. well some things not everyone needs to know. but it's by choice that this bloogie is read. kher. these people were awesome. i would meet a on campus sometimes and we would be studying our own thing. her with her education that later changed to art appreciation stuff and me with my biology stuff. and we would take these breaks where we talked about anything and everything. and have to force ourselves to go back to studying. we even ended up taking a class together when i added the religious studies major that we would discuss non stop and go off in our tangents. when i would see b we would discuss our love for the bmw m3 and all other good things and then say no we don't like things of this world and revert to what kept us close. the love of the prophet saw. this family. this limitless ball of caring. they were incredible to me while i was at iu. but the funny thing is that it wasn't these kind gestures that this family showed me that mattered most. it wasn't the part where they accepted me in their family without a second thought. it wasn't the open and honest attitude. it was the part where they didn't expect a thing in return. not a thing. i couldn't give them anything back. when i tried, there was nothing i could think of that they didn't have already that would make me be able to repay them for the way they treated me. they knew this. it wasn't my company or my thoughts that kept them inviting me back. i don't know what it was. but it's in all of us. even with all the bad that i hear about. fortunately not have experienced anything that shattering. that happens to us directly or even indirectly. that shouldn't happen to anyone. that is just inhuman to say the least. even with that, there is the good. alhumdulillah for my memory to be selective. alhumdulillah i forget the bad easily. alhumdulillah i remember the good even more easily. there is this thing in all of us. that need to give. when i'm old and. i mean when i'm older. i will inshAllah do the same. the reason i write about this now is that i don't want to forget it. i don't think i will. but i definitely want to make sure that when i'm able to. i will repay this. maybe not to them directly. maybe to someone else. if i'm lucky, to them as well

update [note fake timing]
survey says:
relaaax: 2
reeelax: 1
other: 7
senseless not pertaining to the poll whatsoever comment: 1 [thanks ayan]
thank you for participating. no more votes may be submitted at this time. all bets are off

star inspired. it's poll time: how do you say relax?
1. relax
2. reeelax
3. relaaax

dag. i sound depressed. i'm not though. just struggling

there's a calmness that surrounds me when i say my prayers with all my heart. to be brutally honest, i feel like i pray maybe once or twice a year. although i attempt all 5 on a daily basis. what i accomplish with that is the satisfaction that i fulfilled my duty as a muslim. which is not enough. which is empty. i know. if that once or twice a year prayer happened more often i believe i would be a reformed person every time i said salaam to the angels. those are some high hopes. unfortunately i only make time for those types of prayers when i'm in dire need. that is not an excuse. the lack of time i mean. that is the bitter truth. and it's going to change. i'm going to change. inshAllah

i'm so stressed out. i picked a fight with nano. it wasn't a real fight. it's the same old you didn't eat yes i did what did you eat then i ate well have some milk ok i will you promise i won't promise but i'll have it later you say that and then you don't i will promise. today it was over her making anday aloo like every day. in some form or another. i simply said i don't want any more potatoes nano. she laughed. then she suggested a glass of milk. because apparently a glass of milk works as a meal any time every time. after that i've been all mean and stuff and paranoid about people picking a fight with me. this is all because of school. i used to love school. classes included. and now? now this. i don't like me anymore

the other day watching raf with his milk bottle pre nap time i was weakend into a nap too. as i tried to sneak onto the space next to him he looked over. at first, nothing. i thought phew. super still. about to go to sleep. i thought i would look over to check what he was doing. he noticed i wasn't asleep. caught, i smiled. he smiled back. then i fake slept. peering through my lashes at what he was doing. he scooted himself over to me. and reached for my face. he has this horrible habit of pinching as he cuddles. those tiny little pinches with those mini fingers. those hurt. i let him anyway. he didn't seem to be sleepy judging from the intensity of the pinching going on. to put him to sleep i started stroking his hair. and that made him drowsy or maybe he was already and went off to sleep. that got me thinking. because now fully awake i was able to think again. touching is so important. whether it's just a small grab of the arm while making a point or stroking somone's hair or hugging them or kissing. especially when you're younger. because you can't describe your affection. and even when you're older and not verbose like myself. only to those that are halaal to you ofcourse.
nano note: she gives incredible hugs

i was having iftar with my fellow bloogies earlier tonight and i inadvertantly admitted to needing background food. like background music. while this is sad, what's worse is i didn't feel sorry i said it. oh and then i sped into my prayers. the speed of my prayers has increased with the increase in the number of rakah that i'm doing per day. this is not good. it is sadder

on my way back from school earlier this afternoon i saw a sign for tango. which is a prepaid phone card company. now this isn't in and of itself funny. just what was written next to the lady holding the cell phone. let's grow more trees. AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAAHA. on a cuter note, nano has started to say ok i'll call you on your cell instead of beta do you have your mobile with you?

remember that i love lucy episode where lucy and ethel are working in a chocolate factory? i feel like my life is very much like that right now. i have to do as much as i can in as little time as i can and it's not working out as planned. kher. let's see how the rest of the week pans out.

alright you guys. this blooger has had a face lift so this goes to my good friend abez. for all the songs she sings to me. whether she realizes i'm in the room or not. or cares or not *ahem* it's called
i say zed and i say zee
[dramatic pause]
abezzie wezzie
oh you crazy
not at all lazy
and ever so very busy
but still easy goin' fo' shizzie
not denying she is my fav z
alright owlie i like you too but i couldn't find anything to rhyme with shizzie

my nana ji likes stationery. this is a known yet unspoken fact in our family. last night when i wished him a happy ramadan his face lit up. like the last time we were at staples

i'm still high off taraweh prayer. so what are your goals this ramadan?

ramadan mubarak all y'alls!

first professional part 1 biochemistry written exam today...ya Allah swt help

there are times when i want to be awake and times when i don't. pretty deep, huh? well, i try. like right now i don't want to be awake. the other day i wanted to be awake. i drank this caffeinated energy drink called red bull. has anyone ever tried that? all day i was such a spaz. i might as well have been walking on my hands i was so wired. the day ended with me crying while i was on the phone with mummy. that was quite a rollercoaster of emotions. the lesson re red bull is stay off it.

it's crunch time. please make some duas for me all y'alls that i do well on this exam and become an excellent muslim doctor if that is what is good for me

there's a scent in the study that is suspiciously similar to that of a gas leak. i am not at all concerned about that. and that worries me. ok back to the drawing board

i need some down time. i've become a different person these past few days. my hours are all off. i'm not sleeping well. i'm not eating well. so i'm pretty much not feeling well. i see my grandparents over meal times. and that's still maybe. my smiles are limited. my conversation is reduced to yes or no answers. i'm studying constantly. if i'm not studying i'm thinking about studying. i'm thinking about what i just studied. or what i need to study. yesterday morning i found my hand shaking as i was holding my pen. my body is tired. my mind is tired. i'm so distracted. this is not me. i'm having serious doubts about being a doctor. i can't be like this.

first professional part 1 physiology written exam...why God why???

i found a huge bruise on my right thigh while i was showering this morning. this ofcourse leads me to believe. a, i'm too stupid to recall how i hurt myself b, it's so routine that i do it that i don't care if i hurt myself c, i was sleeping when i hurt myself d, i should be sleeping more if i don't realize that i'm hurting myself e, i can't handle furniture in my room

before breakfast we drove up for this view of faisal masjid

first professional part 1 anatomy written exam today eeek!

it was politely brought to my attention the other day that i have no regard for my writing. this is true. i do realize i don't capitalize stuff. i don't put things in quotes. my sentences are run-on sentences or fragments. that i place a period every time i pause. i want to do something about it to appease others but for now as most bumper stickers on taxis here say: it's my style yaar. ok so they don't say yaar but i added that for that extra bit of amusement i'm always craving. inshAllah in time i'll improve this blog. until then. thank you and have a nice day

i have two bf's that work in the student affairs office at school. they are kind old men. one was there during my admission process and actually drives a cab after school hours that i happened to take trying to get to my khala's house in those days of old when i was being tutored in anatomy on the sly by one of the demonstrators but that’s another story for another time my dearies. the other fella is just some random guy i started saying salaam to who was always around while the equivalence certificate drama [another story for another time] was going through. i think i did it for the beard. he's got that black and white mix. well i said salaam to the latter and one of my friends looked at me funny. she explained to me that nobody did that. apparently they don’t like to mingle with the help. that ofcourse pissed me off and i was going to say that you know to realize how lucky you are you don’t act like that but think of what it must be like in their shoes to have to deal with punk kids like you day in and day out but i didn’t have the time or the inclination at the time. one of these days i'll grow a backbone and say something strong enough to send ripples and not feel a tiny bit of guilt

what's up with this country's obsession with bon jovi? what the heck do they put in the water?

conversation i had with musa on girls
me: musa?
musa: yeah?
me: you're a girl
musa: huh?
me: you're a girl
musa: uhhhnnn don't call me a girl!
me: why not?
musa: because
me: are you sure you're not a girl?
musa: yeah i'm sure i'm not a girl
me: are you really sure?
musa: yeah i'm really sure
me: you know it's not
musa: stop!
me: it's not that bad being a girl
musa: i don't like girls i battle 'em up

i believe a regiment of extensive napping is in order and a big fatty fat fat thank you goes out to my lahore fam. actually this is going to turn into a thank you note so it's too bad for you fellow pushy bloggers who want real updates but this is for the family
----------
taya and tai, you really know how to throw a party under a tent and in a pool and at the poolside and host my random naps
r phupo et al, thanks for the gifts and the laughs
z phupo and uncle, where do i begin? from feeding me relentlessly to making me study for my anatomy exam you did it all this weekend
chachoo and chachi, advice, forbidden roadside chat, beauty parlor antics and churiyaan mmm you're too cool
ushi et al, thanks for taking me to that sketchy place to get a memory card. i know that trip was for me me me and i like that about you. and for working so hard to take care of everyone abdullah et al, could you guys stop being so cute cause it's starting to hurt my cheeks smiling at your cheeks and your accents

so that was a rocking weekend if i ever was part of one. i learned one of the most important lessons on life from musa
me: musa why are you so cute?
musa: 'cause Allah made me cute
i have that as a video clip so drop me an email if you guys cannot realize his cutitude. that's a word. i mean i believe is what i'm sayin'
lahore trips are always such a blast for me because i plan to go there and get some chill action goin on. ok so the mehndi and shadi were awesome. the valimah was aiiit. i guess cause we were from the girl's side and cause we party hard ours were funner. yes funner is a word too. why do you ask silly?

get this. i'm sitting in my phupo's lounge and i hear:
urdu
punjabi
arabic
english [british accent]
english [american accent]
got a multilingual family. mashAllah

this is the boy i have to steal my kisses from