awesome things about summers here #74089253489534: warm towelias. the fact that your towel [which has been in the family dubbed as towelia - of both worlds: there, towel, here, tawlia - by my sister] on your body feels like it was just soaked in sunshine it doesn't matter what time of the day you use it

pink is in for the summer. i don't know what actually is in for the summer. i just know that i sure have a lot of pink clothes. alhumdulillah. even for a girl

my bad cousin days are here. i remember when i had some mean older cousins and i didn't understand how i was irritating to them but apparently i was enough for them to have no guilt about scarring me. and here i am today. doing the same stuff i promised myself never ever to do to anyone. it's much more difficult to be a goodie than a baddie. it's not difficult. just thought consuming. when something comes out of you it's usually just a slap in the face for the other person. if it takes it's time to brew inside you then it's usually more sugar coated than like a poison dart. alas. i must change my ways. it's one of many [mashAllah] cousin's birthday and i got her the worst thing you can get as a 10 year old. a frame. i did it and i'm not proud.

this post goes out to my girl. so she wrote a poem about my chub hands. and from that i have to relate this story to you. i was in the hospital for some reason or the other and my dad comes in and he's like oh no her hands are swollen! and everyone's like what? what happened? and then everyone's like oh abu ji that's how they are. and then everybody laughed. each 3rd of my finger looks like it's a freshly baked loaf of bread. that's all i got about my hands.

you know when there are times that you feel like being really crazy and you don't know what came over you because you would never act on it but you think it. like here's a crazy thought. when you're driving down the road and you think what if i just covered the eyes of the person driving, what would happen? i mean we all know what would happen but just that you had that thought is pretty scary. it sounds like i'm crazy but we all have these thoughts. i just choose to write about them instead of actually going ahead and performing them. but i do have that choice. everyone does.

people's problems. i'm just not a very sensitive person. i mean i realize that in the end that makes me sound selfish. i care. i just don't know how to show it. and when someone confronts me about not caring i can't be bothered to justify my attitude and so the person believes that i'm just not a caring individual, making me selfish. once you're in the category of being selfish then you free to do whatever you want. which is good. but bad. good because you don't have to show that you care by being nice and stuff. bad because well nobody wants to be that way. it's not that i don't care. it's just that i'm misunderstood. yeah. please Lord, don't let me be misunderstood.

it's hard to take criticism over something you've done. ok i'm not talking about a professor bleeding all on your research paper. or even the red ink pen breaking over your exam. mostly because that is an objective look on it. or you hope. remember in middle school when "i liked it" or "it was interesting" wasn't constructive critiscism? not to stray from the subject here. i'm talking about something you've done that you find is beautiful. like a piece of art. like if you draw something and you don't get the reaction you expected you almost want to take it as if they have it in for you. and by you i mean well basically me. i feel that way about my poems. few and far between but they are my few and far betweens. so what if all they do is rhyme? and that not even well. it's what comes out. right? to me poetry isn't a piece of work that can be worked on. in fact it's not even a piece of work. for me it's just what's in your heart or mind at the time. for me it's not supposed to be subject to improvement. or maybe that's just in my head. but that's why i keep thinking in the for me form. so [for me] you can't improve a poem because then it's not that poem any more. you can improve as a poet by maybe writing more and more and see what flows better but you can write about different things. not that same poem. ya dig?

sometimes i get my laughs just from looking at the links that are at the top of the blogs related to the content that was posted most recently. sometimes i think i can use my mind to move the fan in my direction. sometimes i believe sleep is a privilege and not a right.

ok funny thing happened today. i thought i would warn you that it's funny and not stupid just so you make sure you laugh. a sad state of affairs i know but read on. ok the guy who sells coconuts put his hand through the car window to show what he was selling. the car was still moving and apparently the kid was looking to his next target and didn't realize this. i told him yaar moun may to na dal tho (don't feed it to me) and so he moved his hand back and i casually asked him to haat bachana (move your hand) as i rolled up the window and caught his hand in the window by mistake. i almost screamed with laughter. only i found that funny in the car. maybe because nobody was paying attention. maybe because it wasn't as funny as it was plain mean. i didn't mean it! it was funny that it happened though. it was funny ok!

i need to get information about infra red stuff for my phone. i want to put the pics from my phone onto my computer and send them. i have the hardware. i need the software. can i get it free? help.

day 2 of prep leave. no real heavy duty preping yet to be seen. just some light yet effective review. must get to it though. must not lose focus. oh no the walls are closing in.

5 day break from school. it's called prep leave. in hopes that i'll study i haven't told too many people about it. ok this is apparently a plea for entertainment since i posted it on the internet for the world to know.

anatomy stage was today. some said it was cake. i didn't do so hot. usually i can't tell how i did on an exam but this chic who was a demonstrator in our anatomy class took my viva and made sure i knew i didn't do well. she did this by making fun of me. i answered something and i was apparently wrong so she looks over to one of her other demonstrator friends and says oh she just said this and this and then laughs. not that laugh where she thinks she's funny but that laugh where she's being mean. i know you know the laugh. i wasn't phased though. i can deal with jerks. i just can't deal with not knowing. so i have to study more. i just don't know where i'm going wrong with what i'm doing so far. it's frustrating but inshAllah i'll get through it.

today i realized what a small town we live in. i've seen this same guy over a period of a few months. he doesn't know me. for that matter i don't know him either but i just happened to remember seeing him around because he had a backpack on that was actually cool which i haven't seen on guys here. anyway so i know the following information about him: he studies at shifa medical college, he goes to cj's to study and he hangs out at hotspot (this ice cream joint) so this sounds stalkerish but i don't even want to know him. i just feel like i've started to notice weird things for no reason and stopped noticing normal things for every reason. i'll keep you guys updated on this here person.

i finally checked my email but that doesn't include replying to it quite yet. although i felt importante when i was offered extra space by both address providers i didn't let it get to my head because i remembered they are always trying to sell you space after they clutter your inbox with junk. speaking of junk. the fella who comes to clean up this place has been pretty shifty eyed lately. i ask him to do something and he says ji baji ji and then grins this partly toothless grin and then doesn't do anything. although i don't counter him at home because he's not here by the time i have to leave for school and has left after i return i catch him at times at my khala's place and confront him. he won't budge. i tried asking him nicely. i tried getting maddy waddy. i even tried bribing him. and still nothing. i'll have to just threaten him soon but with what i don't know yet but God help me if i find that he's left the sink with water stains. i sound spoiled but i just have OCD when it comes to cleanliness.

everybody's already getting new clothes made for the summer. i actually am not the type who's into this because if i'm going to shop i know exactly what i want and just go to the mall and get it when i need it. otherwise my momma still dresses me. that's right. i said it. out loud too. shopping here is nothing like shopping there. here you get to design it all. you get to pick out the print you want which is available in a plethora (first time word usage in a formal way. out of context of the 3 amigos) of colors. when you decide on the color you think of how long the sleeves will be (long) and the neck (small) and the shape of the neck (round) ok so i admit it doesn't take much imagination to design my clothes particularly but the fact that you could go with sleeves that are long, 3/4, 1/2, short, less (if you's scandalous and i've seen that 'round these parts too unfortunately) or neck that's small, deep, collar and what not or or or a round, square, boat neck (to this day i don't know what that really is), u and a variety of other necks that'll go unnamed due to my lack of knowledge. anyway it's fun and i want to be a part of it na.

forget this med school stuff. i'm going to start a club. a running with the wolves club. right after i get more comfy with the idea of eating small animals raw. ok that is a terrible thought. back to the books it is.

today's lesson on life is about kids who are too cool for school. now to be a kid who's too cool for school you can actually be attending school and still be considered that. a kid who's too cool for school will usually be wearing all black but not the all black you see on goth kids but this is the all black where he's wearing a tight shirt which can be black, blue or white but with black jeans. a kid who's too cool for school doesn't know what blue jeans look like. oh and also, the kid has enough gel in his hair to keep it concealed from any outside tampering be it wind, water or somebody's hand. or in some extreme cases his own hands. this kid is usually standing with one other kid who is also too cool for school. they are equally too cool for school. if one happens to be not as too cool for school then he is either in the passenger seat or sitting while the kid who is such is standing and/or driving. this too cool for school persona is reflected in the kids' bad grades too. oh and their parents have and will be paying for everything regardless of the fact that they are above and beyond supporting age. and by that i mean 35. i set that limit in case i end up in school for that long because hopefully i will never be too cool for school. with that said, what have we learned today kids?

these med suckool books are like a labyrinth. remember that movie? i have to admit i've had a crush on david bowie ever since. i may lose a few readers with that remark. no matter.

a good pair of shoes that have seen better days are hard to let go. one of my cousins is like that. she's stepped on all the time by me but comfort to my soul i can't be without. a must have. especially to vent.

this here is going to get preachy. smoking is bad. don't smoke. especially not around me. because 2nd hand smoke is just as bad. pregnant women could give your unborn children all sorts of disorders. no smoking allowed! this is has not been a paid announcement. check your conscience. see? smoking is still bad. fight it don't light it.

out of the friends i made outside of school. yeah. all both of them. i was introduced to a cool lady through them. she happens to be fleeing the country. just my luck. she'll be missed.

happy birthday aunty rafeeqa!

much drama at this school. i'm going to go into it because i don't have much for today's post. a bad case of he said she said he likes her she likes him has somehow become my problem which isn't going to be dealt with because my head is filled with other nonsense. like the muscle attachments on the boney features of the bones of the upper limb and the nerves, arteries and veins that supply them. sheesh

things are changing so fast for me. it's hard to keep up. almost overwhelming. almost. i like to think i can handle things on my own but instead of being positive i have this terrible habit of [and i am positive my abu ji can vouch for this] saying i don't know. i'll give all my ideas and say i don't know. i'll do the work and say i don't know. i thought it was a phase but it's not going away. so when i really don't know. say like right now. then i feel like things are upside down and nobody really knows that i can't handle what is being served. eh *shrug* i don't know.

everyone tryna survive. i just want to be alive.

what body builders do to their body is in excess. what obese people do is too. to strike a balance seems right. yeah. beef with this is: what's up with every other fatty mullah?

i'm so stressed. the way i deal is by sleeping it off. not an acceptable idea i know. especially since every moment is needed as study time. whew! thinking of all that work. i could use a nap. i pray so hard that i am able to and i work just as hard but i can't seem to.

after eating a whole meal i was still hungry. so trying to be ever so independent [not a chance of that happening here] i ventured into boiling an egg in my nani ji's kitchen without outside aid. needless to say i had to ask where the pans were and how to light the gas stove and exactly when the egg would be ready. it's odd being dependent again after living independently for so long. nothing i can't get used to but i always wonder if the help [i probably sound very uppity when i say this but here it's a way of earning and nothing as demeaning as it sounded or didn't sound until i started explaining] thinks and by that i mean curses about how lazy we are. especially the younger crowd.

i am ruthless. or lately i have been. and by that i mean today i've crawled into mean mode. i hit a child. oh the humanity! oh the guilt! what is it about the air in this country that makes you hit children? i've become a monster. inshAllah this will never happen again

weather out here is walk weather. i thought we didn't walk enough there after i came back from iu. it's irritating not exercising. that soreness you get from working out can't be replaced. oh how i long for that convoluted campus and sprinting to classes from 3rd street to 10th street within minutes.

i've been sick. it's funny when you are at a hospital surrounded by professionals and all you want is the healing power of your ami's hug. my grandma took care of me this time but i know all i wanted was to be with my ami.so here is to all amis and those at the status of momz. the mercy and the gentleness with which they care for us could only be a blessing from Allah swt. it must be innate. when i'm grown up and a mother i can only hope to scratch the surface when it comes to the way i've finally come to appreciate my ami.

we drove up to this place called pir sohawa for the view and some breakfast. there i had a chicken tikka at 9 in the am. actually it was a khooni chicken tikka for additional flava.