i avoid saying i'm bored. lately i can't escape it. i've actually become bored with myself. i'm a constant irritant. day in day out. the same situations and the same frustrations. the same inability to prove that i might just might be good enough to be who i want to be. sure when i'm feeling all oh it's just a matter of time and i can handle this i say i'm a late bloomer. this i know is a feel good tactic. to be honest. i'm tired. i'm tired of me. i was talking to smalls earlier and she was asking me what if this doesn't work out as planned? i adamantly said if i can't have what i want i won't settle. the reality, as she pointed out soberingly, is that i will have to. so. what then? i'll just throw it all away. i'll get married. i'll be happy then, right? cause when you sign that contract you instantly become happy. you have no fears of not succeeding and become a different person. you have a profession. it's official title is just married. you go to different homes and people ask you what you do and you say oh i just got married. you are someone else. and the fact that you were insufferable to be around before even to yourself is eased totally. and you are in ecstasy now that you have not only your stupid self to take care of but someone else too. then to fill any other void i would have lots of muslim children. i mean if i can't contribute to the ummah in the field i've chosen then i can't just sit back. might as well do what i can do. i can just add to the populace and maybe they can contribute to the ummah. i'm helping, right? i'm fighting the good fight, right? i'm in no way undermining a mother's job. that is not at all what i mean. and i'm not just saying this because my mom and some of my favorite moms read this blog. so yes i think a lot more of mothers but for now let's put aside what i think of motherhood. and continue with my favorite subject: me, ofcourse. i'm just thinking right now i need me time. time where i try to become a success. yes it's only a success in the professional life and that there are other successes that i haven't even taste tested like religion and family and community and all the other aspects of life i'm not going to name here because this point will take too many turns. you get it though. i need some down time. so i'm moving to china! who's with me?