i'm angry. this is not one of those normal i'm just going to say something foolish and it'll be out of my system and i will never think about it again kind of anger. it's the kind that festers inside and you are so angry you become mute. i don't know how to deal with anger. i just become numb. i sometimes cry out of frustration because i'm helpless at the point. as in nobody can help me and i can't help anyone. i can't even help myself at that time. i'm angry at myself for being a fool. it's when you trust someone after being betrayed that you are a fool. knowing that someone is going to do nothing except hurt you and you still go back for more. ignoring certain things they do so that everything can be happy go lucky. making excuses for their actions or what they say. standing up for them even if in your heart you know you really disagree with it all. denying your core thoughts so that you can please them. it's a weakness i admit. contrary to popular belief among my family and friends, i'm quite the peace maker. making sacrifices that people don't know about just to appease them. and in trying to keep the few people that are important to me happy i become unhappy myself. i hate that. not only is it annoying but it puts you in a place where you know you're wrong and even if it's for the right reasons you're still going to be wrong so why support it. is it a matter of satisfying your ego? i'm not sure. all i know is that when you're finally convinced that you are angry at a person all their bad habits come out and everything they do bothers you. not just that you remember all the times they did behave just that stupid and you still forgave them. i'm angry and my writing is scattered and i'm going to go and sort this out with a pillow and a blanket. preferrably a human blanket.